Once upon a time there was a bag of beans. They looked like ordinary beans if a little on the small side. Just by looking at them you would never know it, but they were magic.
New to town, and knowing nothing of the special powers of the famed local legumes, a little boy and his mama innocently grabbed them off the shelf of the neighborhood Kroger. They brought them home and cooked them, more or less, according to package directions:
Cover with 10 cups water and a generous drizzle of olive oil. Simmer about one hour. Saute 1 minced onion and 1 clove garlic in a teaspoon of butter. Add to the bean pot along with a pinch of thyme, a bay leaf, salt and pepper. Gently simmer for about half an hour or until the beans are soft and flavorful.
That very night they ate those magic beans with sauteed spinach over rice. The next day they ate the beans again. This time the mama just threw some shredded kale and cubes of smoked tofu right into the pot. Again, with a bit of rice and a shake of hot sauce, they had a delicious meal. You might think the story ends here, but we couldn't rightly call those beans magic if that were so.
When the family woke up the next day, there were still beans in the pot. Maybe even more beans than the day before. The family sure liked those beans, but they were ready for a change. Thinking quickly, the papa grabbed a fork and smashed them up. Good thing too. If it weren't for his quick thinking and agile bean smashing that pot would have lasted until the wee babe was a grown man himself with children of his own to tend to. The papa added some vital wheat gluten and nutritional yeast and cajun seasoning and turned those beans into seitan cutlets!
Along with mashed potatoes and gravy, those southern bean cutlets made a hearty meal.
The next day was bright and sunny and the family decided to go on a picnic. Dressed as cutlets, the beans came too. With apple-pecan coleslaw and a view of Caddo Lake, the family gobbled up that seitan.
But there were still some left! The next day, while the baby was sleeping, the mama was h-u-n-g-r-y. She sliced a cutlet thin, simmered it with barbecue sauce, heaped some left over coleslaw on a bun and enjoyed an excellent sandwich all by herself.
And wouldn't you know? That wasn't the end of those beans. They turned up the next night in cutlets again coated with a sweet hot sauce glaze. Before they skipped town for good, they made one last appearance as strips of buffalo seitan on a bed of mixed greens drizzled with buttermilk ranch.
Now I can't be certain where or when those beans will turn up again, but I can say that that happy bean eatin' family lived happily ever after.
The End
